Quick update: Yesterday, Rob, Dudley and I started off in Highland Park (now known as Time-Stands-Park’d), having planned on a BBQ (barbe[q]ue[er]) and fireworks show on the river. Then we realized that this town is too lame to have fireworks on the fourth of July–apparently, the less-than-spectacular show had happened the night before. I guess people around here only celebrate the third of July. Anyway, after some last minute re-planning and a 46 minute (according to our Google Maps directions) drive, we managed our way past all of the patriotic crazies on the boardwalk and watched the fireworks from the beach. Del and Pinky were enormously excited — the poor bears had never seen fireworks before…

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Today I saw a student on College Ave. holding this sign that simply says “I’m sorry.” I was heading to work on another campus, but I had some time to quickly ask him what exactly he was sorry for. He explained that he was apologizing for the general hypocrisy of the Church and for those Christians who make it their business to tell others that our existence is wrong–that our homosexuality offends them, that our faith or lack thereof will damn us to hell, and that we have no place in the world.

So, to those students who spent today holding up these signs on College Avenue: I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that when we, as queer and progressive students, lash out at Brother Greg and others, we often forget that they hurt the kind-hearted Christians out there as much as they hurt us. I’m sorry that when students bring ex-gay ministers and other such hateful events to campus, it alienates you–queers, allies, and progressives of the Christian faith–more than anyone. And I’m sorry that we all feel the need to apologize for things we shouldn’t accept fault for.

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The photo above is from World Café Live on Saturday night, where I went to see Kina Grannis (who is somehow even more beautiful and endearing in person) perform.

From just about the second her first boot* peeked out from the lest stage, the whole audience erupted into shouts of “Kina! WHY ARE YOU SO CUTE?” and “we love you!” I think she was a bit overwhelmed when she first walked out – she nervously gave a quick “hi” to the audience before getting right to the first song (“World in Front of Me”). I couldn’t believe how beautiful she sounded in person – no backup vocals (with the exception of audience harmonizers!), no band, just Kina and her guitar – or, for one song, her ukulele. There was a really sweet backstory to the ukulele song: when her grandfather’s ukulele was stolen on her first tour of the East Coast, she tweeted about it to her followers and received a ton of support from her fans. Eventually, some of her fans surprised her with a ukulele they had made in a Hawaiian factory where her grandfather’s was from. All I could think of when she told this story was that only someone as sweet as Kina could have fans that thoughtful and dedicated – they even had her name carved into it. I’ve never seen someone so graciously thank their fans – sometimes you get the sense that performers are so used to the stage that shows don’t really phase them, but Kina appears so humble and thankful for every person in the room while managing to command the stage as though she was born on it.

The highlight (and cutest Kina moment ever) was definitely her performance of “Message from Your Heart.” (Video here!) She stepped away from the microphone, stood at the edge of the stage, and invited the audience to participate in the “bum bum bum” part of the chorus. A few fans offered to harmonize with her, and she ended up bringing them to the front of the room to sing with her. The photo above is of her ending number, standing at the edge of the stage with her harmonizers below her – even from upstairs in the Mezzanine section, the room felt as intimate as a small café rather than World Café Live. According to Rob, this is why Kina will one day rule the world as a peaceful domain…!

* In addition to somehow being even more beautiful in person, Kina has the most adorable outfit on – I was asked to tweet her asking where her boots were from. I got all giddy when she responded, because I can be a total 13-year-old girl sometimes…

And here we are!

(Thank you to Kim at Fans of Kina for re-posting this, and to both Kina and her sister Emi for tweeting about it!)

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Yes, I’m starting off the new year with an old photo. In part, it’s because I left my camera at home and won’t have time to pick it up until later in the week. But I’m also choosing this particular self-portrait because it’s part of a resolution I never completed — like most resolutions, it was forgotten by February. Well, not forgotten–I felt terrible for not following through with it–but brushed aside. When I captioned this, I made note of the fact that it was a hectic week due to the beginning of the Spring 2010 semester and other beginning-of-the-year chores I needed to take care of, but hoped that the rest of the semester would run smoothly.

It didn’t.

After I took that photo, I threw myself full force into the six classes I was taking at the time while still trying to complete my duties as Outreach Coordinator of my dorm and officer of two student organizations. Then Onion died. Then a certain professor decided to make my life a living hell. Then a certain (wonderful) dean had to appeal for me to withdraw from said professor’s course in late April — a good two months after the add/drop period. Then I moved out of the dorm I called home for two years (devastated). Then I moved into the college house I’m currently living in, which was broken into after only a month, leaving me without my laptop, the class notes I had stored on it (and I was taking summer classes…), and thousands of pictures I never backed up. Already five months behind on my 52 weeks project, I accepted the fact that I probably wasn’t going to see through any of my resolutions for 2010.

And I’ve decided that’s okay. This year, I’m setting goals for myself, as always, but I’m not going to beat myself up for failing to complete them — or worse, try to do a half-assed job of completing them for the sake of completing them. There are a few things I actually need to do, of course–write my thesis, finish undergrad, find housing for next year–but aside from that, I’m going to write and take photos and update when I can and when I feel like it. I’m still working on starting various projects for 2011, mostly because I like planning and making lists, but for right now, it doesn’t matter where I go with them. I brought in the new year with someone I love, had an amazing night, and basically couldn’t be happier.

So, happy 2011! I hope you’re all starting off the new year feeling well and excited for whatever is coming your way…

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Forgot to pack my camera, so I had to resort to documenting Christmas with fake polaroids courtesy of a 99 cent iPhone app, but it was still a wonderful holiday! Pinky got to spend time with her bearfriend, so she had a lovely holiday as well… and she got quite an impressive gift: The Smart [Bear's] Guide to Porn. I’ll borrow it when she’s finished and let you know how it is. Our Christmas tree is pretty great, too, and still all lit up next to the window. It’s nice to finally be excited about Christmas again, having not celebrated since I was much younger. In fact, the very name of the holiday is banned in my house, hence the title of this post. However, I got to spend Christmas somewhere new this year, with someone special, and with the most stylin’ Christmas tree you’ve ever seen… so Merry Christmas (one day late)!

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As I’m sure many of you know, some students were upset about the rally. These students were also largely misinformed about the purpose of the rally, the events surrounding Tyler’s death, and the history of queer students’ battle for safety and recognition at Rutgers. It’s no coincidence that Tyler is the second queer student at Rutgers to take his own life in the past year or that this particular incident occurred after a horrible violation of his privacy.

For those arguing that this “isn’t what Tyler would want,” you’re probably right. He wouldn’t have wanted a group of students rallying around his death because I’m fairly certain, based on his own online postings as well as basic common sense, that he never wanted his privacy and safety so violated in the first place. Unfortunately, because that’s what happened, a public response is necessary. And when this happens in the context of a university whose housing department continues to refuse LGBTQ students the safe spaces we deserve, even after the suicide last year, it becomes even more important.

At the rally, I heard a number of disturbing comments, largely coming from students who showed up to defend the actions of Tyler’s roommate, arguing that he advertised this private encounter out of “concern” for Tyler. Some were upset at the idea of using Tyler’s death as political leverage, claiming that “no one would care if this were a straight student” (because we all know how biased the world is against heterosexual people, right?), while others simply laughed at the protest and made derogatory comments about a friend of mine (“ew, he said he was transgender, does that mean he was born a woman?”) as well as other students at the event.

The fact that these students are comfortable enough in their own privilege to make such blatantly homophobic and transphobic comments at a rally organized by queer and allied students perfectly illustrates the kind of environment we are dealing with. This type of ignorance is not limited to the students I interacted with, either. Months ago, the head of housing at Rutgers told me that because safe spaces imply that other areas of campus are not safe, she will never agree to the idea of safe space residence halls. Of course, by default, no place is a safe space–but even in the wake of this tragedy, many students and administrators prefer to remain ignorant to the pressures facing LGBTQ students and the fact that homophobia and harassment were indeed at the root of Tyler’s death. It’s just unfortunate that our school is so willing to neglect our need for real safety in order to protect the illusion of safety they so pride themselves on.

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Anyway, I took this photo on my phone during a creative writing workshop that was held in the library. The quote on the wall says “libraries enable the past to talk to the future,” which I thought was funny, considering the quote was painted on the doorway leading to the computer lab section of the library, which was basically the only part of the library being utilized. That’s one thing my high school does have in common with this one — our library has a computer lab, and couches, and a study area, and even a reading room, but the books themselves haven’t been touched in decades. I think that’s more because the students typically buy their books rather than because they don’t read, but it seems odd to have a whole dusty collection of books just sitting there like some sort of decorative accessory…

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Also, karma is a fucking joke. I mean, really. There are plenty of horrible people in the world. Why not break into their homes? Why not steal from other robbers? And racists? And sociopaths and sex offenders and people who throw bottles in the recycling bin without removing the fucking caps? BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WOULD DESERVE THIS MORE THAN THE RESIDENTS OF FORT FUZZLEWORTH. Think I’m being unreasonable? Let’s consider all the things I’ve done in since moving into this house that contribute positively to the world:

1. I fed NinjaCat when she was trapped in our shed. Was it my food? Probably not. I think I stole it from one of my roommates. But really, I saved a life, so how relevant is that?

2. I also fed Taco C.C. Bear (my roommate’s hamster) and refilled her water when Morgan was gone for the night. I only really feed her because I think it’s funny when she spits out her food, but still, I basically saved her life. That’s life #2 since June, if you’re keeping track.

3. I wrote to Breyers about the fact that their ice cream melts in order to get a free container of it. This may not seem like a particularly honorable thing to do, but allow me to explain: their packaging was faulty, and caused the ice cream to melt all over my insulated Stop & Shop bag. By alerting them, I may have saved others from having this same dreadful experience. Also, Unilever is fucking evil, so anything they’re going to give me for free is well deserved.

I could go on, but I’m too busy fantasizing about all of the Home Alone style traps I’m going to set in this house until our guard dog arrives. The next person who tries to get into this house is going to find a fucking guillotine attached to our windows.

Joking aside, I’m glad that my housemates are all safe and that only two of us were in the house when this happened. It’s really scary to wake up to the unlocked doors and missing belongings and to just basically feel violated, but at least this will convince our landlady to let us set up some tighter security around this house. And I’m serious about the guard dog. She’d better change the fucking pet policy because my roommate’s hamster is just not cutting it. Taco witnessed everything and DID NOTHING. Never invest in a guard hamster. All they do is throw up their food and let robbers steal your shit.

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Highlight of the assignment:

Instructor: “Alright, what else can we put on the list?”
Student: “Cleavage.”
Instructor: “See, this is where it gets tricky. We’re all going to code that differently. What is considered too much cleavage? What kind of cleavage is inappropriate?”
Student: “…women’s cleavage.”
Instructor: “Right. Okay.”

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A lot of us will probably justify this by attributing these feelings to not wanting to be greedy (reasonable), or attempting to be health-conscious (also reasonable), but it’s interesting that you rarely hear men talk like this. I’m sure part of it is about greed and gluttony, but only in the sense that women are brought up to believe that their desires are somehow wrong or that they should feel guilty for having any desires in the first place. Men don’t necessarily have a particularly healthy relationship with food in our culture, either, but they’re less likely to feel like they don’t deserve to “indulge” or take what they want. We women, on the other hand, seem to believe there’s something intrinsically wrong with food, that there’s also something wrong with us for wanting it, and that taking what we want will result in an immediate and obvious weight gain that will show the world how awful and undisciplined we are. We’re basically taught to be ashamed for taking up space.

That’s not to say this craze about being “healthy” in a fast food nation is unreasonable, but it certainly manifests differently according to gender. Men don’t just want to be healthy; they want to bulk up, be more muscular, take up more space. Women don’t just want to be healthy, either; we want to be slim, toned, and often, even invisible.

(Note: Men are not immune to disordered eating, but women are much more likely to actually develop eating disorders… and I’m willing to bet that even the types of eating disorders they tend to develop show more gender distinctions. It would be an interesting topic to do more research on, but I just wanted to point out that I’m not saying men can’t or never do develop eating disorders.)

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